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Because something has ended badly, or has torn your soul up after the fact, doesn’t make the time that was beautiful any less beautiful to my mind
I can still celebrate the fact that I loved and was loved, and the amazing times we shared and, well, you know the rest of it.
but at the same time, the fact that I have those memories and that I still cherish them is what makes these times so hard
because I do remember and I don’t lie to myself about them, so when that hope comes and dies it hurts all the more
but I still wouldn’t trade it for anything, because it was my everything.

“Belief, like fear or love, is a force to be understood as we understand the theory of relativity and principals of uncertainty. Phenomena that determine the course of our lives. Yesterday, my life was headed in one direction. Today, it is headed in another. Yesterday, I believe I would never have done what I did today. These forces that often remake time and space, that can shape and alter who we imagine ourselves to be, begin long before we are born and continue after we perish. Our lives and our choices, like quantum trajectories, are understood moment to moment. That each point of intersection, each encounter, suggest a new potential direction.”

She looks so fine.

But she’s not in control.

A trainwreck that’s going 

To drive me to hell.

Those boots are amazing.

The leggings move me.

The shirt could change the fabric of the world.

Is she happy without me in her life, does it hurt her as much as it hurts me?

Goo Goo Kachu.

1. Is she even in a place to start thinking about things like that?

No. Definitely not. Ends poorly for me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
2. Are there any other guys she’s hung up on?

Doesn’t look like it.
3. Does she even want to progress past pleasantries at the start of class?

FUCKED IF I KNOW
4. Does she have any interest in me?

NOBODY KNOWS
5. Can I get past all the hurt she did to me?

I SHOULDN’T
6. Do I actually want to get back into that relationship?

I CAN’T

Every time I think i’m ready to move on. Think i’m ready to start thinking about things that are going to work out for me. Every single time. She comes back and fucks me around. Every time. 

Why do I keep letting her in? Because I still have feelings for her. How strong are my feelings? Strong enough that it hurts this bad.

1. Is she even in a place to start thinking about things like that?

No
2. Are there any other guys she’s hung up on?

I don’t know.
3. Does she even want to progress past pleasantries at the start of class?

Seems like.
4. Does she have any interest in me?

I guess so?
5. Can I get past all the hurt she did to me?

Yes. 
6. Do I actually want to get back into that relationship?

I think so. I don’t know.

Dear god it’s as if nothing changed. It’s as if that year and a half, that agony, all of it never happened. She was. It was everything. But I mean nothing to her.

"I am quite happy with me, but feel that because someone else isn’t happy with me that I shouldn’t be happy with me."

- Me

I didn’t want to write this. I still don’t want to write it. But it’s cathartic to write it, even if I don’t know who is going to read it. Even if I don’t know if I even intend for it to be read. 

I find myself so dissatisfied with life. But then I look at myself, and I say “What the fuck is wrong with you? What do you mean you’re not satisfied? How can anyone take so much but ask for nothing but more?”

And it’s true, I am lucky ot have what I have, the things I have, the people I know, the friends I have made. 

But at the end of the day, I still am missing something, someone. 

Here I sit in Melbourne, My second home ostensibly. But in the same breath that is supposedly so, I am reminded that I have no life here. I live in the shadow of my fathers life and as a result, I am living not for myself but on his time. When his girlfriend is here, I am the third wheel. He doesn’t mean to be malicious, in fact, neither of them actually wish anything other than for me to be happy. But I am not comfortable sitting here whilst they canoodle. Is it because I am alone? Or is it because I really just am not comfortable with it, for whatever stupid reason?

Regardless… I am here, I am alone. Surrounded by two adults, I am alone. I sit here listening to Hymn of the Fallen, closing my eyes and letting the world spin on eternity. 

Japan. No more. Never again. Whatever I feel for her is immaterial, for it cannot and will not be.

Rose Bay. Still with Norway. I think she is playing the double-face as much as I am, which is no concern of mine.

Nottingham. Nottingham no longer, Dover Heights. Needs help. Has cut off contact recently. I hope she is ok, but wonder why I still care so much for someone who has proven themselves to be selfish beyond compare.

There are others, but why bother chronicling them here. They are possible, but then what isn’t?

I’m at y end. I am exhausted. I want so much, so different from now. But I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I don’t even know that I care.

1. Japan. Pink suits her. Why is she so awesome?

2. Rose Bay. See her soon, find out what’s what. I want to kiss her again.

3. Nottingham. Had the gall to accuse me of trying to ingrate myself in her life. When she gets home it’s going to be different, no duh, she’ll be working and studying again no matter what she says about taking things easier. Therefore I would only expect to be treated as a friend that she see’s occasionally.

Because something has ended badly, or has torn your soul up after the fact, doesn’t make the time that was beautiful any less beautiful to my mind
I can still celebrate the fact that I loved and was loved, and the amazing times we shared and, well, you know the rest of it.
but at the same time, the fact that I have those memories and that I still cherish them is what makes these times so hard
because I do remember and I don’t lie to myself about them, so when that hope comes and dies it hurts all the more
but I still wouldn’t trade it for anything, because it was my everything.

“Belief, like fear or love, is a force to be understood as we understand the theory of relativity and principals of uncertainty. Phenomena that determine the course of our lives. Yesterday, my life was headed in one direction. Today, it is headed in another. Yesterday, I believe I would never have done what I did today. These forces that often remake time and space, that can shape and alter who we imagine ourselves to be, begin long before we are born and continue after we perish. Our lives and our choices, like quantum trajectories, are understood moment to moment. That each point of intersection, each encounter, suggest a new potential direction.”

She looks so fine.

But she’s not in control.

A trainwreck that’s going 

To drive me to hell.

Those boots are amazing.

The leggings move me.

The shirt could change the fabric of the world.

Is she happy without me in her life, does it hurt her as much as it hurts me?

Goo Goo Kachu.

1. Is she even in a place to start thinking about things like that?

No. Definitely not. Ends poorly for me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
2. Are there any other guys she’s hung up on?

Doesn’t look like it.
3. Does she even want to progress past pleasantries at the start of class?

FUCKED IF I KNOW
4. Does she have any interest in me?

NOBODY KNOWS
5. Can I get past all the hurt she did to me?

I SHOULDN’T
6. Do I actually want to get back into that relationship?

I CAN’T

Every time I think i’m ready to move on. Think i’m ready to start thinking about things that are going to work out for me. Every single time. She comes back and fucks me around. Every time. 

Why do I keep letting her in? Because I still have feelings for her. How strong are my feelings? Strong enough that it hurts this bad.

1. Is she even in a place to start thinking about things like that?

No
2. Are there any other guys she’s hung up on?

I don’t know.
3. Does she even want to progress past pleasantries at the start of class?

Seems like.
4. Does she have any interest in me?

I guess so?
5. Can I get past all the hurt she did to me?

Yes. 
6. Do I actually want to get back into that relationship?

I think so. I don’t know.

Dear god it’s as if nothing changed. It’s as if that year and a half, that agony, all of it never happened. She was. It was everything. But I mean nothing to her.

eternalseptember:

Other Half

"I am quite happy with me, but feel that because someone else isn’t happy with me that I shouldn’t be happy with me."

- Me

I didn’t want to write this. I still don’t want to write it. But it’s cathartic to write it, even if I don’t know who is going to read it. Even if I don’t know if I even intend for it to be read. 

I find myself so dissatisfied with life. But then I look at myself, and I say “What the fuck is wrong with you? What do you mean you’re not satisfied? How can anyone take so much but ask for nothing but more?”

And it’s true, I am lucky ot have what I have, the things I have, the people I know, the friends I have made. 

But at the end of the day, I still am missing something, someone. 

Here I sit in Melbourne, My second home ostensibly. But in the same breath that is supposedly so, I am reminded that I have no life here. I live in the shadow of my fathers life and as a result, I am living not for myself but on his time. When his girlfriend is here, I am the third wheel. He doesn’t mean to be malicious, in fact, neither of them actually wish anything other than for me to be happy. But I am not comfortable sitting here whilst they canoodle. Is it because I am alone? Or is it because I really just am not comfortable with it, for whatever stupid reason?

Regardless… I am here, I am alone. Surrounded by two adults, I am alone. I sit here listening to Hymn of the Fallen, closing my eyes and letting the world spin on eternity. 

Japan. No more. Never again. Whatever I feel for her is immaterial, for it cannot and will not be.

Rose Bay. Still with Norway. I think she is playing the double-face as much as I am, which is no concern of mine.

Nottingham. Nottingham no longer, Dover Heights. Needs help. Has cut off contact recently. I hope she is ok, but wonder why I still care so much for someone who has proven themselves to be selfish beyond compare.

There are others, but why bother chronicling them here. They are possible, but then what isn’t?

I’m at y end. I am exhausted. I want so much, so different from now. But I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I don’t even know that I care.

1. Japan. Pink suits her. Why is she so awesome?

2. Rose Bay. See her soon, find out what’s what. I want to kiss her again.

3. Nottingham. Had the gall to accuse me of trying to ingrate myself in her life. When she gets home it’s going to be different, no duh, she’ll be working and studying again no matter what she says about taking things easier. Therefore I would only expect to be treated as a friend that she see’s occasionally.

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